


Winter in America is Cold

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: F/M, Romance, Series: Nothing Lasts Forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-07-18
Updated: 1999-07-18
Packaged: 2018-11-10 14:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11129013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Fraser learns that Phil McKenzie has been in contact with his old friend Cat Madden and he has to learn to deal with the past. This story is a sequel toOf Second Chances.





	Winter in America is Cold

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

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Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.  
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the  
creation of this story. The McKenzies and friends belong to SL Haas and  
are used in this story with her permission. Cat Madden belongs to me.  
No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other  
copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published  
for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to  
be reproduced for profit.  
  
Rated PG for swearing and adult situations - m/f - original characters  
  
Lyrics quoted from 'Winter in America' by Doug Ashdown, 'Distant Sun'  
by Crowded House and 'Mandolin Wind' by Rod Stewart (you have to be a  
fan to spot them) all used without permission.  
  
Winter in America is Cold  
  
By Carol Trendall  
  
  
 ****Sergeant Cathy Madden sat back and rolled up her sleeves. The  
heating in her office was way too high and it added to the distraction  
she already felt, making it impossible to concentrate on the report spread  
across her desk. Three days had passed since Phil McKenzie had returned  
to Chicago, but Cat was unable to get the woman out of her mind. The  
things she had learned during Phil's stay whirled around in her head  
and for a moment she almost wished that Phil had not told her about the  
child that Ben Fraser had fathered and never known.  
  
She would honour Phil's request not to tell Ben about Lindy, she would  
never break her trust, but Cat was not sure that she would be able to  
look at the handsome face of Ben Fraser without seeing in her mind the  
photo of his daughter, dressed in scarlet and clutching a tiny stetson.  
With an agitated sigh she pushed away from the desk and headed to the  
coffee room for a cool drink, the report about Ross Landers' death at  
the paws of angry mother bear had waited two weeks already, a little  
longer wouldn't hurt.  
  
Cat threw her head back and drank a long draught of cold water, the fresh  
taste clearing her head slightly. It wasn't just Phil who was on her  
mind. Or TJ, either, although she wasn't complaining about **that**  
memory. An image popped into her head, unbidden. Ben Fraser. Not that  
that was entirely unusual, he was her oldest and dearest friend and he  
was in her thoughts always. But since Phil had entered her life, Cat  
often found herself thinking about incidents that had occurred a long  
time ago, things she was surprised to find herself recalling in great  
detail. Cat refilled her glass and continued with the image that had  
entered her mind, returning her to a time more than ten years earlier,  
when Benton Fraser was a different man.  
  
JANUARY 1986  
It was a mild winter in Aklavik and Constable Cathy Madden was a happy  
woman, even though the duties she found herself performing weren't always  
those associated with the role of a police officer. On this afternoon  
she was enlisted to ferry a group of Inuit elders, whose community jeep  
was out of action, into town to collect some supplies.  
  
Cat's thoughts shifted to Ben Fraser, as they always did when she was  
doing something she knew he would approve of. She hadn't seen him since  
he'd returned to Canada, appearing unexpectedly on her doorstep with  
news of his engagement to Phil McKenzie, a woman he had met while on  
secondment to Rocky Mountain Rescue. Cat was pleased, she hadn't seen  
him so happy and contented in a long time and she wasn't surprised that  
she hadn't heard from him. _'Probably too busy with marriage plans'_ ,  
she thought to herself, with a broad smile.  
  
Of course she had heard, through the police grapevine, of the remarkable  
feat he performed recently, tracking a getaway felon into a blizzard,  
then leading her out after keeping her alive for two days huddled in  
a crag in the rocks. Was her memory correct? Had she heard it was a  
woman? Cat couldn't remember, it wasn't important anyway. What was  
important was that he risked his life for his job when no one else would,  
and this wasn't the first time. Cat had seen him take a dog-sled out  
into a blizzard, when none of his colleagues would even leave the building,  
to follow some men from a local manufacturing plant whom he was sure  
were dumping waste illegally and possibly endangering the fragile ecosystem  
in the process. He'd been right of course, but then, he usually was.  
  
A warm feeling filled Cat, something told her that it wouldn't be too  
long before she saw him again, she could feel it. Ever since their  
friendship began several years earlier, facilitated by a tiny kitten  
called Laura, she had been aware of the presence of Ben Fraser, it was  
never a conscious thing, she just knew when he was near.  
  
Later that day when Cat entered the depot, Ben was sitting on a hard  
plastic chair outside the Sergeant's office, in uniform and with a pack  
at his feet. She'd almost been expecting him. His head snapped up when  
she entered the building and his expression stopped her in her tracks.  
She hadn't been expecting the look of despair on his face and she was  
on her knees pulling him into an embrace before she could think about  
it. Cat had only been in Aklavik a few months then, not long enough  
for her colleagues to get wind of the unusual relationship shared by  
these two Mounties, so when she looked up her eyes were met by the curious  
stares of her co-workers. She glared at them and they moved off very  
quickly, looking embarrassed. Ben stared down at his clasped hands again.  
  
"I needed to see you, Cat. Something's happened. I don't know  
what to do." His voice was low and scared.  
  
"What, Ben? What's happened?" Cat had never seen him like  
this before and it scared her, making her tone snappier than she had  
intended.  
  
Ben opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again and sat back  
in the chair, looking away from her.  
  
"Is it Phil?" She was almost afraid to ask. When he didn't  
respond she got to her feet. "Stay here," she said, somewhat  
unnecessarily.  
  
Cat stepped into her Sergeant's office.  
  
Sergeant Doug McPherson was speaking before she could open her mouth,  
"Is that Bob Fraser's son?" Cat nodded and he continued, "He's  
been sitting there like that for an hour, Cathy. Just staring at the  
floor. Said he wanted to wait for you. Didn't even want coffee. Do  
you need to go?"  
  
"Yes. Please. Thank you, Sergeant. The elders ....." she  
said, gesturing towards the door.  
  
Sgt McPherson held up his hand. "I'll take the elders home, don't  
worry about it. Bob's working out of Paulatuk. Should I try and get  
hold of him?"  
  
"No, not yet. I don't want to worry him unnecessarily. Let me  
find out how serious it is."  
  
"OK. Well, just let me know if I can help. Bob Fraser's an old  
friend of mine."  
  
Cat thanked the man profusely and left his office. She collected Ben's  
pack from the floor by his chair and then led him out to her battered  
Land Rover.  
  
It was hard work getting anything out of him in the car and Cat was too  
busy negotiating the snow-covered road to press him, so it wasn't until  
they were safely inside Cat's three room cabin that she was in a position  
to find out what had upset Ben so. She made a pot of tea and Ben busied  
himself with the fire and playing with Laura, barely speaking. Cat eyed  
him curiously from the kitchen, thinking his behaviour seemed strange.  
When the tea was made Cat carried the mugs into the living room and joined  
Ben by the fire.  
  
"Now what's going on, Ben? You're scaring me."  
  
Ben stared into the steaming mug in his hands and took a deep breath,  
exhaling slowly, composing himself. "Phil and I are no longer engaged."  
It sounded almost formal, like he'd rehearsed it.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Ben," Cat slid forward in her chair and took  
his hand, understanding at last. He'd been so in love with Phil. "What  
happened?"  
  
"Three weeks ago there was a robbery," Ben sighed and ran a  
thumb over his eyebrow nervously. "The thieves had a getaway plane  
and it went down in that big storm. You remember it."  
  
Cat nodded, a chill running down her spine. What did it have to do with  
Ben's proposed marriage?  
  
Ben continued to speak, his voice sounding old and tired. "We tracked  
the plane. One of them was still in the wreck. Injured. The other  
one got away."  
  
Cat nodded again, a little impatiently. "Yes. Yes, I heard about  
it. What about Phil?" Her sixth sense kicked in and Cat remembered  
something she thought she'd forgotten, a dream she'd had three weeks  
ago, about the time of the incident Ben described. Something about a  
woman and then Ben in a prison cell and a dog who was bleeding. It didn't  
make any sense, Ben didn't own a dog and she didn't know the woman.   
Something was wrong, very, very wrong. She shivered, suddenly feeling  
cold.  
  
"The one who got away, she was a woman. I knew she was in trouble,  
probably injured. She had no food, no protection and I knew the storm  
was getting worse."  
  
Cat shuddered again and had an instant picture of the woman. Dark curly  
hair. Beautiful. Evil. The woman in her dream.  
  
"So, I tracked her. I had to dump my pack on the trail � it  
was slowing me down. When I eventually found her it was snowing hard  
and she was sheltering in the lee side of a rocky outcrop. I thought  
she was dead, but she wasn't. I had to do something, so I stuck my rifle  
into the snow and draped my jacket over it to give us some protection.  
I thought our combined body heat would keep us alive until someone came  
looking for me." Ben hugged himself and shivered, moving a little  
closer to the fire.  
  
Cat suddenly leapt out of her chair; this was getting too weird, even  
for her. Her sixth sense was working overtime now and it made her restless.  
Ben had spoken in a voice she had never heard him use and he watched  
her nervously as she paced.  
  
"So what happened?" she asked eventually, her voice calm.  
  
 _Too calm_ , Ben thought.  
  
"It snowed for a day and a night and I thought she would die of  
the cold. I....I put....her fingers....into my mouth....to keep her  
warm. And I talked to her, told her stories, sang songs. Anything to  
stop the cold from claiming her. I couldn't let her die."  
  
Cat's heart raced and Ben's pleading eyes looked up at her, needing her  
strength, but she couldn't meet his gaze. She paced the room, eventually  
stopping in front of a window, her back to Ben, all too aware of the  
significance of what he told her.  
  
"Jesus, Ben," she ground out in a harsh whisper. The version  
of the story she'd heard on the police grapevine hadn't hinted at this.  
 **Now** she understood.  
  
"It kept snowing for another day and another night and I didn't  
think I could last much longer. I was sure I was dying. Victoria started  
to recite a poem. I'll never forget it, I must have heard it a thousand  
times that night, 'I caught this morning morning's minion, kingdom of  
daylight's dauphin dapple dawn drawn falcon in his riding'......"  
  
"The Windhover," she said it abruptly, making him stop.  
  
Cat turned to face Ben and his eyes were drawn to hers.  
  
"What?"  
  
"That's the name of the poem. The Windhover. It's about flying."  
Focusing on the poem helped ease the sick feeling gathering in the pit  
of her stomach.  
  
"Oh." He had never thought to ask the name of the poem.  
  
"What happened, Ben?" she repeated, for what seemed like the  
hundredth time.  
  
"It finally stopped snowing and I convinced her, Victoria, that  
we could make it out. We started to walk and finally found my pack,  
then we ate everything in it."  
  
Cat didn't miss the look of pure joy that flashed across his face as  
he remembered, she could tell the memory was something special, something  
significant.  
  
"That night we camped just outside of town. I didn't want to leave  
her after what had happened on the mountain. She begged me to let her  
go....I held her and she begged me to let her go," there were tears  
in Ben's eyes as he continued, "We made love......she begged me  
to let her go.....I couldn't do it. I'm a policeman. I couldn't let  
her go. The next morning I took her to the depot and turned her in.  
I'll never forget the look on her face. She looked at me like she hated  
me."  
  
Cat crossed the room in two strides and sat opposite him again. "What  
on earth were you thinking? Were you thinking at all?" She waved  
her hand in disgust. "That's a stupid question really, I guess your  
brain wasn't involved in anything that happened that night."  
  
Ben buried his face in his hands and Cat watched his shoulders rise and  
fall in a heavy sigh.  
  
"Cat, it wasn't like that. I feel like I've known her forever,  
across a thousand lifetimes. I didn't want to turn her in. I love her,"  
he looked at her again, his eyes asking for her acceptance.  
  
"What do you know about loving someone across a thousand lifetimes?"  
She stopped, they had often talked about how they believed they had shared  
many past lives, Cat knew it to be true and Ben never questioned it.  
Of course he knew what he was saying. "And where does Phil enter  
into all this? You remember Phil? The woman you told me you would  
love forever? The woman you were going to marry? The woman you were  
planning to spend the rest of your life with?"  
  
"You've got to understand, Cat, Victoria is unlike anyone I've ever  
met. It's like we belong together."  
  
"I seem to recall you saying something similar about Phil not so  
long ago." Cat's tone was sarcastic. "I know you meant it  
then. What happened to that? And what did you tell Phil?"  
  
"I wrote and told her that I'd fallen in love with someone else."  
Ben's voice was almost a whisper.  
  
"You WROTE and told her!" Cat leapt to her feet again, standing  
over him with her hands on her hips.  
  
"Cat...."  
  
"Don't, Ben. Don't you dare start that with me. You fucking coward!  
You wrote and told her, you didn't even have the balls to tell her to  
her face! You were going to marry the woman, for gods sakes. Don't  
you remember the things you said to me about her? I thought I knew you  
pretty well," she snorted with disgust and walked away. "But  
I don't know you at all do I?"  
  
Cat couldn't understand why she was so angry, she'd never even met Phil  
and Ben's love life had stopped affecting her emotions years before.  
Something about this situation rang warning bells and Cat couldn't control  
her reactions to the things Ben told her. Her last words hung in the  
air between them and it seemed like an eternity before either of them  
said anything.  
  
Ben was the one to break the silence. He buried his face in his hands,  
tears pricking at his eyes as he spoke, "Cat, please listen to me.  
Something happened up there with Victoria. I need her. I do....did  
love Phil. She's warm and safe - she has her brothers. But Victoria  
is alone. She needs me. I need her. I feel like she's a part of me  
and now I've sent her to prison and she'll be cold and alone. I betrayed  
her. She needs me."  
  
Cat listened to her friend's voice, hearing a desperation that she didn't  
know anyone could feel. She was stunned by the vehemence of his declaration.  
How could anyone as good and decent as Ben be attracted, no ensnared,  
by someone as evil as this woman, a criminal no less? Perhaps it was  
true that opposites attract, but this was one time when she felt that  
attraction was unhealthy, if not deadly.  
  
She couldn't give Ben the comfort he sought, her heart was hard, it was  
as though Victoria had seeped into her being as well as Ben's. She could  
feel Victoria's hold on him as palpably as if she was there in the room  
with them and she felt colder than she could ever remember being.   
Cat was scared; she was seeing a whole new side to Ben's character, a  
dark and frightening side. She would never have thought Ben capable  
of such behaviour, but here he was, in her living room, avowing his love  
of a woman she knew in her innermost being, was evil. It chilled her  
to the bone, to see the haunted look in his eyes and know it was for  
this vile woman. What happened to the man she knew and loved? What  
had happened on that mountainside to change him into the harrowed shell  
before her?  
  
Cat turned to Ben and in a low voice she hissed at him. "You forgot  
evil, Ben. Victoria is evil." She didn't know where that came  
from, she just knew. "One day you'll wish you'd never heard her  
name. One day what you've done to Phil will come back to haunt you and  
you'll regret this. You'll see that you've acted like a prize asshole."  
  
Cat's anger made her feel sick and the stunned look on Ben's face made  
it worse. She stared at him, waiting for a reaction, but he was unmoving.  
  
Ben stared back at Cat, genuinely shocked by her reaction. He wondered  
how Cat could think Victoria was evil. For the first time in their friendship  
he didn't know what to say to her.  
  
"God knows I love you, Ben, I always will. But I don't like you  
very much right now." Cat's voice was a harsh whisper. "I'm  
going for a walk."  
  
Cat jammed her feet into her boots and yanked her parka onto her shoulders  
before opening the door and walking out into the coldness of a Canadian  
winter, thinking that it seemed surprisingly warm compared to what she  
had just experienced in her living room.  
  
For a long time Ben couldn't even move, he felt frozen. He had expected  
Cat to understand, she always did. Why was she saying these things about  
Victoria? Was she jealous? That didn't make sense, Cat had been the  
one to put an end to their love affair, plus she had never been jealous  
of Phil. On the contrary, she had seemed pleased.  
  
What if Cat was right about Victoria? No, it wasn't possible. If only  
he could convince Cat of his feelings for Victoria. She had called him  
a coward and an asshole, Cat had never said anything like that to him  
before and it hurt. He only wanted her to hold him and tell him what  
he had done was right, that the nagging feeling inside him was because  
he had betrayed Victoria, not because he had betrayed Phil. Was that  
too much to ask? He didn't know any more. He hung his head and cried  
with the shame of it.  
  
Cat stomped around in the snow, replaying the entire conversation of  
a few minutes earlier. She couldn't figure out why she was so upset.  
Ben wasn't the first man to leave one woman for another. Was she jealous?  
No, that didn't make sense, after all, she had been the one to end their  
relationship in the first place.  
  
There was something about the woman Ben had called Victoria that nagged  
at her. All her life she had relied on her sixth sense, on her instincts,  
and they had never let her down. This time her instincts screamed at  
her.  
  
She tried to remember the dream she had had three weeks earlier, but  
all she could recall was the evil woman with dark curly hair, a bleeding  
dog and Ben in a prison cell. None of it made sense. Cat stared into  
the night sky until the anger began to seep out of her and the cold began  
to seep in. She shuddered and then went back inside to join her friend.  
  
Ben looked up when she came back into the room. He hadn't moved. Cat  
avoided his eyes, heading to the kitchen to prepare some food. Laura,  
the cat that had first brought them together sat on the sofa, her large  
eyes taking in the scene. She didn't like what she was picking up.   
She stretched and moved closer to the fire; she was feeling especially  
cold tonight.  
  
A little later Cat walked back to the living room and offered a plate  
of sandwiches to Ben. He took one and watched Cat as she sat in a chair  
on the opposite side of the room.  
  
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."  
  
"I love her, Cat, that won't change."  
  
"She's a criminal, Ben, she's in prison."  
  
"I'll wait," he said defiantly.  
  
"Like Phil waited for you?" She remembered how Ben said he  
would send for Phil when it was time for them to be married.  
  
"You don't understand...."  
  
"No, I don't understand. When you told me about Phil you were ecstatic.  
Do you remember that visit? I do. You tell me you're in love with Victoria,  
but I can't see any trace of that joy in you." Without waiting for  
a response she went on, "Are you happy, Ben? Does Victoria make  
you happy? Do you feel fulfilled? I don't think so. What I see in  
your eyes frightens me. And how does Victoria feel? You arrested her,  
I hardly imagine she's happy about that?"  
  
"Victoria understands, Cat, she knows I had no choice."  
  
"Does she? You told me she looked at you like she hated you."  
  
"I arrested her, what do you expect?"  
  
"I expect you to be honest with yourself. Listen to what you're  
saying. For gods sakes, this woman is a thief and you make a living  
arresting thieves, it's your duty. I can't see how she understands that!"  
Cat's voice grew agitated again, "Just say you did wait for her,  
just say she did forgive you for arresting her. What happens when she  
gets out? I can see it now � she'll be a big hit at RCMP functions.  
'Hello Inspector, you remember my wife, the bank robber'. This could  
have a serious impact on your career, Ben, have you thought of that?"  
  
"I'd give it up." He squared his shoulders and looked straight  
at her.  
  
"What?!"  
  
"My career. I'd give it up for Victoria, if she asked."  
  
Cat snorted with disgust. "No woman who knows you and loves you  
would ever even ask that. It's way too important to you. Did Phil ever  
ask you to give up the RCMP?"  
  
"No." Ben's voice lost the confidence it held a moment earlier.  
  
"And I'm sure she never would. None of this makes sense. I'd understand  
if you were talking about a quick roll in the hay and that was all, but  
Jesus, Ben, you're talking about changing your life, giving up everything  
you believe in. I'm disappointed in you. Your father will be disappointed  
and not just by this talk of giving up your career. He'll be disappointed  
when he hears what you've done to Phil."  
  
"My father is no judge of how to treat a woman. What does he know  
about love?"  
  
Cat's anger bubbled right over and she leapt to her feet again. "That's  
it, Ben, that's really it! OK, so Bob Fraser may not have been the best  
father, but you have no idea how he treated your mother, you have no  
idea if she was happy or not. This isn't about your parents - it's about  
you. Even if your father wasn't the greatest husband I think I know  
him well enough to know he wouldn't have ended a relationship by MAIL!"  
  
She glared at Ben, who promptly looked away. She stood breathing heavily  
for a moment, clenching and unclenching her fists and then turned and  
walked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.  
  
It was much too early for sleeping, so Cat threw herself across the bed  
and went over the scene that had just taken place. She'd have let the  
whole thing go if it was just a case of lust, if Ben had just slept with  
Victoria and then went on with his life. It was his cowardly betrayal  
of Phil that didn't sit right with her. Never one to be needlessly bitchy,  
Cat was startled to find herself heaping all of the blame onto Victoria,  
a woman she had never set eyes on but whose soul she knew. The thought  
of Victoria made her shudder. She knew in the very depths of her soul  
that this woman was evil and thoughts of what she could do to Ben's life  
terrified her.  
  
Sometime later when the world was still, Cat could hear muffled sobs  
and sniffles coming from the other room and she felt like her heart would  
break. Whatever else she felt at that moment, she still loved Ben and  
her concern forced her from her place on the bed.  
  
She stepped into the dark living room and looked around for her friend.  
Ben sat huddled in front of the fire, his knees hugged tightly up under  
his chin. Their eyes met and Cat thought she'd never seen anyone look  
so forlorn. Her heart softened.  
  
"Come to bed, Ben," she whispered into the darkness as she  
stretched out her hand.  
  
He took the proffered hand and followed her silently into the bedroom.  
  
Cat removed her clothes and got into bed, watching in the half darkness  
as Ben did the same. She pulled him into her arms and tentatively he  
returned the embrace, resting his head on her shoulder. Cat felt his  
large frame lift in a sigh, followed by the hot sting of his tears through  
her t-shirt. She stroked his back slowly and let him cry.  
  
"I love her, Cat. I love her and I sent her to prison."  
  
"You sent her to prison. But you don't love her."  
  
"I do love her. I must. I gave up Phil for her, you know I loved  
her."  
  
Cat sighed with relief, at last, here was the element of doubt that she  
knew had to be there in Ben's mind. "So you haven't forgotten how  
much you love Phil?"  
  
She felt his body go rigid and then tremble slightly and when he spoke  
it was in an old, tired voice.  
  
"Cat, what have I done?"  
  
"Oh, Ben." She sighed, holding him closer, wondering how anyone  
could be so smart and so stupid all at once. She held him tighter, rocking  
him until he fell into a fitful sleep, calling out things that the next  
morning he would not recall.  
  
Many years were to pass before Cat told Ben the things he had spoken  
in his sleep that night.  
  
  
A noise outside her office brought Cat back to the present. She looked  
through the glass panels to see Constable Marchand speaking to an old  
lady who appeared to be in some distress. She smiled at the way he calmed  
her, sitting her down and bringing her a glass of water. He reminded  
her of the young Benton Fraser, the one she knew before Victoria.  
  
During the week that Phil spent in her home Cat had longed to tell her  
of the things Ben had called into the dark the night he told her about  
Victoria. _'Leave it alone'_ she said to herself on more than one  
occasion _'it's been over ten years now and Phil has been through too  
much, she doesn't need to drag up the past again'_.  
  
Cat took another long drink of water and returned to her office, this  
time determined to finish her paperwork. She closed the office door  
behind her in an attempt to block out any distractions. Phil's arrival  
had refilled Cat's mind with memories of the one person responsible for  
the unhappiness of so many people. Victoria.  
  
It was ironic that neither she nor Phil had met Victoria, but the woman  
had managed to leave a lasting imprint on both their lives, to say nothing  
of the scars she had left on Ben, or for that matter, on Ray. It was  
no surprise that she found herself thinking of a time, not that long  
ago, seated in this same office that Cat received a phone call that somewhere  
in the back of her mind she had been expecting for ten years. It was  
from Inspector Doug McPherson, a man both she and Ben had worked for  
in the Yukon.  
  
SPRING 1995  
"I wouldn't give out this information normally, Cathy, but I know  
how close you and Ben are."  
  
"What, Doug?" Something about the tone of his voice rang alarm  
bells in her mind.  
  
"Ben's been shot, he's in hospital."  
  
Cat sucked in a breath. "Oh shit," she breathed into the phone.  
"How bad is it?"  
  
"Pretty bad, but there's something else."  
  
"What?" A chill ran down Cat's spine and she suddenly felt  
sick.  
  
"Ben's been arrested for murder."  
  
"What?! Oh, Jesus. What happened Doug?" She got to her feet  
and started to pace, fighting the urge to throw up.  
  
"Calm down, Cathy. Bob's cabin burned down a couple of weeks ago.  
We found a lot of money in some old tins under the floor - no one seems  
to know how it got there. We checked it out and found the serial numbers  
matched the ones from a robbery in Yellowknife ten years ago. Ben was  
the arresting officer. The woman was released a month or so ago. She's  
been in Chicago. It looks like Ben shot her accomplice - they found  
a bullet from his gun. Seems like she and Ben were involved."  
  
Cat closed her eyes and absorbed what she heard. She leaned against  
the wall, fighting the bile in her throat. "Victoria Metcalfe."  
  
"You knew?"  
  
She hadn't realised she'd spoken aloud. "Unlucky guess," she  
answered, a strange calmness coming into her voice. "You know he  
didn't do it Doug."  
  
"I don't know anything other than what I've been told and you're  
not supposed to know anything either. You didn't hear this from me.  
Cathy, things are crazy down there and Ben's all alone. He needs you,  
plus, I didn't want you to hear this on the grapevine. You might want  
to get down there."  
  
"Of course I do. Thanks, Doug."  
  
"No problem. The contact is Detective Ray Vecchio, 27th Precinct."  
  
Cat recognised the name of the man with whom Ben had become friends in  
Chicago. "Thanks, Doug."  
  
Before they ended the conversation Cat had extracted from Doug a phone  
number for the 27th Precinct and the name of the hospital where Ben was.  
By 3pm that day Cat had called an emergency replacement from Regina,  
arranged Constable Marchand to look after her cats, thrown some clothes  
in a pack and was on her way to Chicago.  
  
  
Cat hurried through Cook County General Hospital, intent on finding the  
Intensive Care Unit. She grabbed the first person she saw in a white  
coat, a tall handsome man, hopefully a doctor.  
  
"I'm Cathy Madden, I'm here to see Benton Fraser. Where will I  
find him?" she snapped at him.  
  
"I'm sorry, he's still in ICU, he can't have visitors yet. Let  
me show you the waiting area." He took her by the elbow, obviously  
well used to dealing with distressed family members.  
  
Cat pulled away, rose to her full height and faced the man. "You  
don't understand Dr...um?"  
  
"McKenzie, Robert McKenzie."  
  
"Dr McKenzie, I've just flown from Canada. You can at least tell  
me how he is."  
  
The look on Cat's face was challenging, but Rob McKenzie managed not  
to be intimidated. "I can only give information to family members,  
you'll have to talk to Detective Vecchio."  
  
"I will not! Ben has no family, as such. I'm the nearest thing  
he has to family."  
  
Cat was starting to get angry with this man. Before she could speak  
further he grabbed her arm again and steered her into the waiting room.  
Cat looked around and saw a tall, thin man in a wrinkled suit stretched  
out on one of the sofas. He leapt to his feet when they entered. "What  
is it doc?"  
  
"Ah, Detective, Constable Fraser has a visitor from Canada."  
  
Cat turned to the man she assumed was Ray Vecchio and extended her hand.  
"I'm Cathy Madden."  
  
After a momentary hesitation Ray shook her hand. "Ray Vecchio,  
Chicago PD." He looked at her uniform, checking her sleeves for  
rank. "You here on official business Sergeant?"  
  
Cat waved her hand, wishing she had thought to change. "No, no I'm  
here as a friend. Sorry about the uniform, I came as soon as I heard."  
Ray didn't move, smile or react. "Ben's told me about you, Ray."  
  
Ray folded his arms over his chest and threw her a challenging look.  
"Yeah, well he's told me nuthin' about you."  
  
Sensing a fight brewing, Rob interjected. "Sergeant Madden was  
asking about Constable Fraser's condition, I told her to talk to you."  
  
Cat looked from one man to the other, puzzled by their behaviour. "What's  
going on, why won't you tell me how Ben is?" All sorts of scenarios  
whizzed around in her head, each one worse than the last.  
  
Ray drew himself up to his full intimidating height and glared at Cat.  
"Look, Sergeant, I don't know who you are or what you want, but  
you're not gonna just march in here....."  
  
Cat's eyes blazed with anger as she stepped up to face Ray. "No,  
 **you** look, Detective. I know you're Ben's friend and I know you're  
concerned, but I'm the nearest thing he has to family and I'm here because  
he needs me. I want to know his condition."  
  
Ray's eyes flashed back. "Is that so?" His tone was sarcastic.  
"Because you'll be interested to know that he named me as next-of-kin."  
  
Cat looked away from Ray to Rob. "That's crap."  
  
Stepping between the pair, Rob spoke as gently as possible. "I'm  
afraid it's true, that's why I told you to talk to Detective Vecchio."  
  
Cat was flustered for a moment, then she stepped up to face Rob. "I've  
known Benton Fraser for over 15 years, Doctor. His family is dead.   
I'm his oldest friend. I demand to know how he is and when I can see  
him. Is that clear?" She punctuated each sentence with a poke of  
her finger to his chest.  
  
Rob took a step back and Ray turned away, flinging his hands in the air  
and swearing in Italian. Rob looked at Ray and then back at Cat, realising  
that he had underestimated the woman.  
  
"I'll go and check his condition, Sergeant Madden. If he's stable,  
I'll let you both see him, but, you have to be quiet and you can only  
stay for five minutes."  
  
Cat and Ray exchanged blazing looks and finally both nodded an agreement.  
Rob left the room leaving Cat and Ray alone, hoping they wouldn't kill  
each other in the five minutes he was gone.  
  
He returned a little later and asked them both to follow him. Cat and  
Ray were out of their seats in a flash, following Rob McKenzie down the  
corridor. Cat picked up her pace and wasn't surprised when Ray did the  
same. This continued all the way down the corridor, so by the time they  
reached Ben's room they were almost running.  
  
At the door, Cat lunged ahead of Ray, swinging her pack to one side,  
so that it hit Ray in the chest as he tried to beat her into the room.  
She smiled in satisfaction as she heard the thud of his body against  
the doorframe and then a curse muttered in Italian under his breath.  
Cat stopped in her tracks though, when she saw the pale face of her friend  
resting on the pillow, lit by the soft glow of a lamp above the bed.  
She dropped her pack to the floor and rushed to the bedside, taking Ben's  
hand in hers.  
  
"Oh, Ben," she whispered.  
  
He stirred slightly and she stroked his hair, not noticing Ray take up  
a position on the other side of the bed. Cat leaned over and placed  
a kiss on Ben's forehead and slowly his eyes fluttered open and he looked  
from one friend to the other.  
  
"Hi ya, Benny." Cat was surprised at the gentleness in Ray's  
voice.  
  
"Hello, Ray." Ben turned his head to his other friend. "Cat?"  
his voice was croaky with sleep. "How did you get here?"  
  
"Doug McPherson called me. Oh, Ben...." she stopped, this  
wasn't the time to get into anything.  
  
"You were right, you know, Cat."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
That was all they needed to say on the matter. Neither of them noticed  
Ray's puzzled frown.  
  
"You don't know Ray." Ben gestured weakly to his other friend.  
  
"Yes. Yes, we introduced ourselves."  
  
Ben turned to Ray with a sweet smile. "I've known Cat forever."  
  
"Yeah, she told me." Ray shot her a nasty look and Cat almost  
poked her tongue out at him.  
  
Ben turned back to Cat. "Cat, tell Ray. Tell him it's not his  
fault."  
  
She frowned and looked up at Ray wondering what Ben meant. "I'll  
tell him."  
  
Rob stepped forward, addressing both Cat and Ray. "I think that's  
enough for now. He shouldn't even be awake."  
  
Both Cat and Ray gave him nasty looks and then he stepped outside, leaving  
them to their goodbyes.  
  
"I'm glad you came, Cat."  
  
"Me too." She smiled at him and kissed his forehead again.  
  
Ben looked to Ray. "Will you look after her, Ray?"  
  
"Yeah, Benny, anything you say." He squeezed Ben's hand and  
glared at Cat again, before following her out of the room.  
  
They joined Rob in the corridor, both facing him, almost jostling shoulder  
to shoulder, like naughty schoolchildren.  
  
"Detective Vecchio, Sergeant Madden, I think we need to be sensible  
about this. Constable Fraser is still in a serious condition. Now while  
I recognise that you are listed as next-of-kin, Detective, I am familiar  
with Constable Fraser's background. I was acquainted with him many years  
ago; I know his family situation. For this reason, Sergeant, and with  
Detective Vecchio's permission, I will keep you informed of his progress  
also." He raised questioning eyebrows at Ray, who with some reluctance  
eventually agreed. "Good. Now...I will allow you both to visit  
him, he was obviously glad to see you, Sergeant, but if I see any more  
behaviour like the childishness I witnessed earlier, I will stop all  
visits. Neither of you will be allowed on this floor. Is that clear?"  
  
Cat and Ray looked at each other like chastened schoolchildren this time.  
  
"Yeah, yeah." Ray rolled his eyes.  
  
"Understood."  
  
Ray shot Cat another look as she said this. "Is that a Mountie  
thing?"  
  
Cat looked at him liked he'd grown another head and decided to ignore  
the question. She turned her attention back to Rob.  
  
"I suggest you both go and get some sleep and come back tomorrow.  
I'll call if there are any changes. I have your cell phone number, Detective.  
Sergeant, will you give your contact number to the desk?"  
  
She nodded and Rob said his goodbyes and walked away, leaving Ray and  
Cat alone in the corridor.  
  
Neither of them spoke. Eventually Ray turned to her. "Where you  
stayin'?"  
  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
  
She turned and headed back to the waiting room. Throwing his hands in  
the air again, Ray followed her. Sensing his presence behind her, Cat  
turned as she reached the waiting room door and snarled at him. "And  
neither are you! Someone has to tell me what's going on. I know that  
Victoria Metcalfe bitch is involved and I want to know how."  
  
Ray raised an eyebrow and looked at her. They both entered the waiting  
room and took up residence on sofas on opposite sides of the room, as  
far away from each other as it was possible to get in the small space.  
  
"You know about Victoria?"  
  
"There isn't much about Ben's life I don't know. I always knew  
she'd cause trouble, but I never thought anything like this would happen.  
I never thought she'd shoot him."  
  
Ray's mouth opened and closed, his voice was low when he finally spoke.  
" **I** shot him."  
  
"What?" Startled, she looked up at Ray, seeing a harrowed look  
in his eyes she hadn't noticed earlier.  
  
" **I** shot him," Ray repeated, a muscle twitching in his  
cheek.  
  
"So that's why he told me to tell you it wasn't your fault."  
Her heart softened a little, only a little.  
  
"I **shot** him, for chrissakes," Ray growled through clenched  
teeth.  
  
"Ray, start at the beginning and tell me everything."  
  
Ray took a deep breath, gave a world-weary sigh, and started to speak.  
  
Cat listened intently to as Ray told her the whole, ugly story and suddenly  
she could clearly remember her dream of ten years earlier. It all made  
sense now, the bleeding dog, the woman with dark curly hair and Ben in  
a prison cell. By the time he'd finished, Ray sat with his face buried  
in his hands.  
  
"They can't remove the bullet, it's too close to his spine."  
His voice shook with suppressed guilt, pain, and fear.  
  
"It's not your fault, Ray." She knew she should offer him this  
relief, Ben had asked her to.  
  
"Yeah? You weren't there, you didn't see what happened, you didn't  
see **my** bullet hit him. You don't have to live with this!"  
His head snapped up and his eyes shone with tears he would not shed.  
His voice was rough and tired as he growled out his words, "She  
had a gun. I saw her pull a gun on him. The bitch was gonna shoot him!  
So I took aim, I had her in my sights, then Benny stepped in the way....he  
just stepped in the goddamn way. I was already squeezin' the trigger...."  
  
"It's not the first time he's been in the wrong place at the wrong  
time where this woman is concerned." Cat's voice emphasised her  
revulsion for Victoria.  
  
Ray looked at her, realising that at least they had a hatred of Victoria  
and a love for Ben in common. He could live with that.  
  
Cat couldn't speak any more, for the first time in her life unable, or  
unwilling, she wasn't sure, to find the words of comfort that were so  
badly needed by Ray.  
  
  
Over the next four days Cat and Ray kept a vigil at the hospital. In  
unspoken recognition of their aversion to each other they took turns  
in sitting with Ben, each sleeping while the other was visiting. Cat  
took the nights; she hadn't even bothered to find a hotel. The staff  
knew her situation and were sympathetic, providing her with food and  
showers when required. In the morning Ray would slink into the room  
and grunt a greeting at her and she would tell him how Ben's night had  
been, then head off for a shower, leaving him to his visit, she had nothing  
else to say to him. In the afternoons when she arrived to relieve Ray  
it was easier; Ben was often awake and pleased to see her. After a few,  
curt words about what had happened during the day, Ray would glare at  
her and then leave.  
  
After the fifth day, when it became clear that Ben was out of danger,  
Cat accepted that she would have to return to Canada. She had lied through  
her teeth about the reason for her emergency leave and she couldn't spin  
the falsehood out too much longer. Plus, by now she knew the news of  
Ben's shooting and arrest would have filtered through the grapevine,  
getting more and more distorted along the way, and she wanted to make  
sure that any harmful gossip was stomped on immediately.  
  
She also knew that it was time for Ben and Ray to deal with the situation  
between them. Regardless of how she felt about Ray, he was Ben's friend  
and she knew they needed time to repair the damage caused by Victoria.  
Ray gave her the same consideration, going home to shower and change  
when it was time for Cat to make her farewells and whatever else they  
needed.  
  
Cat perched on the edge of Ben's bed so she could see his face while  
they talked; it would be a while before he was sitting up. Diefenbaker  
eyed them from the other side of the room, he'd not let either of them  
out of his sight since he'd arrived, having been given a clean bill of  
health and released by the vet that morning. Ben had asked about  
him constantly, so as soon as he was able, Ray picked him up and brought  
him to the hospital. Cat had done her part, bullying Rob into granting  
permission to have an animal in the room. Rob knew that Ben had been  
anxious about his lupine companion and eventually agreed that Diefenbaker's  
presence might help speed Ben's recovery.  
  
Ben slid his hand across the sheets until his fingers curled around Cat's.  
She glanced down at their joined hands and smiled.  
  
"I was going with her, Cat."  
  
Her smile broadened as she lifted her eyes to meet his. "Then it's  
a good thing Ray shot you when he did." She ignored the hurt look  
he gave her. "Don't look at me like that Ben, you behaved like  
an asshole. You know as well as I do, the only times in your life you've  
done anything stupid were related to Victoria. Thankfully this time  
Ray was there to stop you, even if his method was a little unusual."  
  
Ben turned his face away from her, his smile disappearing. "So  
you're taking his side now?" He had noticed they didn't seem to  
like each other much and assumed that Cat would disagree with anything  
Ray did or said.  
  
Cat dismissed him with a wave of her hand. "Stop pouting like a  
child. You're 35 years old for gods sakes. Ray and I just happen to  
agree on this one thing, and not much else, I hasten to add." She  
frowned at Ben's 'hurt child' look and leaned over and kissed his forehead.  
"Oh, Ben, it's time to let go now and move on."  
  
Ben grew silent for a moment and looked around the room to avoid her  
eyes. "I always felt cold with Victoria, I should have known.   
I never felt cold with you....." his voice dropped to a whisper,  
"....or Phil."  
  
"Well, you said she had a darkness inside her. I say she's evil.  
I'm not surprised you felt cold." Cat decided to ignore the reference  
to his former fiancee.  
  
"I've been thinking about Phil a lot."  
  
"Well perhaps you should have done that thinking ten years ago.  
Perhaps you and I wouldn't be here having this conversation now. Anyway,  
I'm damn sure Phil's not thinking about you. Victoria was in prison,  
she had nothing else to do, but Phil, well from what you told me about  
her I suspect she was a woman with a big future. If she had any sense  
she would have gone off and found herself a big, strong handsome man.  
One who deserved a woman like her. Ben, you can't fix that mistake either.  
That's long past. Let it go."  
  
Ben listened, then turned to face her. "You and Ray are a lot more  
alike than you realise."  
  
"What, because we tell you things you don't want to hear?"  
  
A half smile curled the corners of his mouth and she bent to kiss him  
again.  
  
Ray returned in good time for Cat to get to the airport. He'd offered  
to drive her, out of deference to Ben, but she had declined, saying she  
would rather he stay by Ben's side. Ray made no attempt to hide his  
relief.  
  
Cat returned home to Moose Jaw, keeping in touch with Ben by phone, calling  
daily to check on his progress. When she learned of the plans he and  
Ray had made for a trip north to rebuild Bob Fraser's cabin she was pleased.  
She hoped that Ray might be able to help get Ben's life on a more even  
keel. Although she wasn't overly fond of Ray, she knew he was good for  
Ben.  
  
  
Constable Marchand's head appeared in the doorway of her office.  
  
"Sergeant? May I have your permission to drive Mrs Wareham home?  
She's had her purse snatched and she's very distressed." He indicated  
the old woman Cat had seen earlier.  
  
"Yes, of course, Constable."  
  
"Thank you, Sergeant." He nodded and left.  
  
She smiled at the retreating figure, so much like Benton Fraser. She  
hoped there would be no Victoria Metcalfe in his life.  
  
Cat threw her pen down on top of the Lander's report, it seemed useless  
pretending now. She wasn't going to finish it today. Easier just to  
give over to the memories that wouldn't leave her alone.  
  
AUTUMN 1995  
Ben was released from hospital after a couple of months. He and Ray  
left on their planned trip to Canada to rebuild Bob Fraser's burnt out  
cabin, but circumstances were to prevent them from ever reaching their  
destination. Cat learned of the aborted trip from Ben, who called her  
reverse charge from a small town in Montana, called Summit. Her voice  
rose an octave when she learned how they got there. In her typical,  
no-nonsense fashion she told them to both get on a plane and get to her  
house, but Ray declined, saying he'd had enough and all he wanted to  
do was go home.  
  
Ben came, of course, and she collected him and Diefenbaker from the airport  
on a warm autumn morning. She was appalled to see Ben with more injuries  
so soon after the last, but was determined to say nothing about it.   
She was even more appalled when she learned of the series of disasters  
that had befallen he and Ray since leaving Chicago. She sent a silent  
blessing to Casey Sinclair, whoever she was, and chuckled briefly to  
herself when she thought about what the poor woman must have thought  
when she happened upon Ben, Ray and Diefenbaker in the middle of nowhere.  
  
That afternoon when Cat returned from work she found Ben asleep on the  
sofa with Sheila curled up on his chest. Diefenbaker was asleep in a  
patch of sunlight with Bella nestled close against him. She sighed,  
her chest tightening with the love she felt for this odd little group,  
her family. Dief was the first to waken and he and Bella stretched  
and rushed to greet her. Sheila, from her position on Ben's chest, raised  
one eyelid and decided they weren't worth getting up for. Cat crept  
her way silently to the kitchen to feed the animals and begin dinner  
preparations.  
  
Much later she was working away, humming to herself and swaying to the  
drum music playing softly when she became aware of a presence. She turned  
around to see Ben standing in the kitchen doorway, cheeks still flushed  
with sleep and his hair standing on end. Sheila was twining around his  
ankles.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Hi, yourself." Cat smiled at him and he shuffled towards her,  
his arms pulling her against his chest.  
  
They stood holding each other for a long time and Cat was surprised to  
find tears springing to her eyes.  
  
Ben kissed the top of her head and spoke in a soft, husky tone. "Thank  
you for always being here, Cat. Thank you for caring this much."  
  
She reached up and gently touched the cut above his eye. "Ben,  
you're all the family I've got now. I love you, even if I think some  
of the things you do are stupid."  
  
He looked embarrassed and moved away from her. "I....I want to  
talk to you about some of those things."  
  
"Victoria?"  
  
He nodded. "And Phil."  
  
Sensing the beginning of a serious conversation, Cat sat Ben down on  
the opposite side of the large island bench in her kitchen with a cup  
of tea while she continued the food preparation. Diefenbaker joined  
them, positioning himself so that he could see both Ben and Cat. Sheila  
and Bella took turn pouncing on his tail, much to Dief's annoyance.   
Cat observed the scene, waiting for Ben to talk.  
  
She was concerned about the look he wore and she leaned over, running  
her hand affectionately through his hair. "What's going on in there,  
Ben?"  
  
He let out a monumental sigh and Cat had the feeling that many years  
worth of tension were released in that one action.  
  
"I.... I can't stop thinking about Phil. For so many years I pushed  
aside my feelings for her. You know how I was about Victoria, I couldn't  
see past that. Then I started to wonder if I had done the right thing  
and I started to think about Phil a lot. Then Victoria was released  
from prison and I let her push Phil out of my mind again. I kept telling  
myself that I must have loved her more than Phil, but now I know that's  
not true." Ben looked into his cup before continuing, "When  
I was in hospital I kept going over that time in Aklavik when I told  
you about Victoria. That conversation kept going around in my head.   
I didn't want to hear it then, but now I can't stop thinking about it."  
  
Cat put down her knife and laid a hand over his. "I don't remember  
what I said, Ben, it was a long time ago, but I know I was pretty hard  
on you."  
  
"Oh, I deserved it. You were right. I was a coward." He squeezed  
her hand and stood up, pacing over to the window. "I loved Phil......  
I guess I still love her. And now.....now I'm just beginning to realise  
what I did to her. If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit I was  
using my feelings for Victoria to hide behind. I knew I made a mistake  
letting Phil go, so when Victoria turned up again I guess I didn't want  
to make another mistake, I didn't want to lose love a second time. I  
used her to ease my loneliness. I thought that was what I needed. I  
thought I was in love with her. But I was wrong."  
  
"It's so much easier to believe you're in love than to admit you're  
alone." Ben looked at her as she spoke, realisation shining in  
his eyes. He nodded and Cat continued, "Does this mean Victoria's  
finally out of your system?"  
  
"Yes." He leaned down and stroked Dief, before sitting down  
again. "I can't believe the things she did, all in the name of love.  
I don't think she knows what love is. My god, she shot Dief, she tried  
to ruin my career and she put Ray in danger. And I still thought I was  
in love with her. What I've done to Ray is unforgivable. He mortgaged  
his family's home, Cat. No-one else would do something like that for  
me." He smiled up at her. "Well, you would, but that's different,  
we have a history. I've only known Ray for a year or so, but he cares  
enough to do that. And I was still going with Victoria."  
  
"That's probably the most selfish thing you've ever done. Ray obviously  
cares about you."  
  
"I wonder if our friendship would have survived this mess if Ray  
hadn't shot me." He sighed again. "I haven't been a very good  
friend to Ray, or to you for that matter. Ray tells me I'm too **nice**  
to people, that I do too much for other people. I once heard him call  
me 'the world's nicest person'. He has no idea what I'm really like.  
He doesn't know how bad I am."  
  
"You're not **bad** , Ben."  
  
"Yes. Yes, I am." He rose to his feet again, pacing the room  
and gesturing with his hands. Cat hadn't seen him this animated for  
a long time. He counted a list of his faults on his fingers as he spoke,  
"I only ever come to you when I need something. Ray's family nearly  
lost their home because of my actions. I was going to leave Diefenbaker  
behind. I've spent most of my life angry at my father, when all he wanted  
was my respect. And Phil. **You** were the one who told **me**  
how badly I treated her. I hate what I do to people." Ben pressed  
the heels of his hands into his eyes. "And Ray still wants to be  
my friend. Maybe he wouldn't if he knew how bad I really am."  
  
"Ben, stop it! And sit down." Cat stood with her hands on her  
hips. "Ray is your friend, no matter what you do. And so am I for  
that matter. I'm sure Ray has done things he's ashamed of and you know  
I have. As for your father, well, yes, I think you were too hard on  
him, but it's too late for apologies. And Phil, I'd say you're long  
gone from her mind. From what you told me about her she didn't sound  
like the sort of woman who would waste her life in mourning for someone  
who couldn't see what he had. It's way too late to fix that mistake.  
If I were Phil and you turned up to apologise for something you did ten  
years ago, I'd probably hit you."  
  
Ben's sombre face was split by a broad grin and he threw his head back  
laughing.  
  
"It wasn't that funny." Cat said, frowning.  
  
"You reminded me of something funny that happened once." He  
managed to get out between laughs. A moment later the look on his face  
changed and Cat could see he was remembering something that was causing  
him both joy and pain. As Cat watched, tears formed in his eyes and trickled  
down his cheeks. "Oh, Cat, how can I go on like this? After all  
I've done to people? After what I did to Phil?"  
  
She rounded the bench and took him in her arms. "Ssh, you're human,  
you've made mistakes, just like we all do."  
  
He sobbed into her hair and Cat stroked his back, thinking that she had  
done this for Ben too many times since Victoria came into his life.   
He continued to cry and the ferocity of his grief angered Cat. At that  
moment she felt sure she could have killed Victoria.  
  
Much later, when his had trembling stopped and her hatred had dissipated  
and Ben was talking to her in a strong, calm voice, Cat felt sure that  
he was now ready to face his future and leave the past behind **.  
** Maybe he was ready to find real love again, like she knew he had  
once found with Phil McKenzie. **  
**  
  
Cat smiled gently to herself as she remembered that time, a year ago.  
She had never thought that he would get another chance with Phil, but  
now it was possible and her head was full of thoughts of how she could  
help make it happen. She wished Bob Fraser were there to see the changes  
taking place in his son's life. She remembered he had talked fondly  
of his phone conversation with Phil the night they announced their engagement.  
  
Cat wondered if Ben still spoke to his father. A year earlier he told  
her of his father's ghostly visits, but he had never mentioned it again.  
She smiled again as she remembered Ben's embarrassment about talking  
to a ghost.  
  
"There's something I haven't told you about my father."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
Ben opened his mouth and closed it again, then half smiled and continued.  
"I don't know why I'm nervous about telling you this."  
  
"Bob's dead, whatever it is can't hurt him now."  
  
"Well, actually, Cat, he..... that is, my father.......visits....usually  
when I least expect it."  
  
"You mean....you don't mean? Wait." Cat scratched her head,  
"Like a ghost? Your father's ghost visits you?" She looked  
incredulous, she was the one with the sixth sense, the intuition, and  
she didn't see ghosts.  
  
"Yes." Ben was matter-of-fact. He had not expected her to  
be surprised. "He started coming not long after I went to Chicago."  
  
"Wow!" Cat was excited now, "What does he do? Can he hear  
you?"  
  
"Oh yes, we talk quite a lot." he thought for a moment, "Well,  
no, actually, he talks a lot and I disagree with him."  
  
"You have **conversations**?" Ben nodded "Wow. How  
often?"  
  
"It's irregular, sometimes he's there all the time and sometimes  
I don't see him for ages. I never know." He looked a little embarrassed,  
"It can be quite embarrassing sometimes. Ray has caught me arguing  
with him, but of course he can't see him. He thinks I'm .......odd."  
  
Cat chuckled. She could just imagine Ben arguing with thin air and Ray  
looking at him like he was nuts. This was exciting news to her though  
\- she still missed Bob Fraser. Ben looked at her eagerly, hoping she,  
too, didn't think he was odd.  
  
She laughed, a bittersweet memory coming to mind. "Well, Ben, next  
time you see Bob Fraser, tell him he still owes me after that poker game  
in Paulatuk."  
  
"You played poker with my father?"  
  
"Well, yes. Him and Buck and a few others. We were snowed in for  
three days."  
  
"He owes you money?" It was Ben's turn to look incredulous.  
  
"Not money, actually, no....we...." Cat turned away, shifting  
a little uncomfortably, remembering the scene around the poker table.  
  
"So, you weren't betting with my father?"  
  
Cat smirked at the concerned look on his face, she turned away from him.  
"No."  
  
"So, what do you mean? What does he owe you?"  
  
"We were playing strip poker, Ben." She turned to face him  
again.  
  
"I see." His mouth formed a perfect O as he looked at her.  
"Let me clarify this. You.......and my father.....and Buck, you  
were all playing strip poker?"  
  
"Don't give me that wide-eyed innocent look. I was winning. Your  
father wasn't. He never paid up."  
  
She grinned wildly, and the stunned look on her friend's face made her  
laugh.  
  
"Oh."  
  
  
Cat laughed out loud, the memory of the shocked look on Ben's face was  
almost as wonderful as the earlier memory of the scene around the poker  
table. Her mind was filled instantly with a picture of Bob and Buck  
wearing nothing but their stetsons. When Bob lost the next round they  
made a deal, but he died before he could ever make good his end of the  
bargain.  
  
Cat was still grinning a little later when she heard Marchand return  
from his task of taking Mrs Wareham home. The office was quiet and the  
phones had not rung for a long time. She pushed away from her desk and  
headed out to where Marchand and the other Constables were sitting.   
Marchand got to his feet as she approached and Cat smiled at him. She  
nodded to her staff.  
  
"Guys, I'm taking off early. There's not much happening and I'm  
taking the Landers report home to finish. Call me if something comes  
up." She said her goodbyes and left.  
  
Cat sighed with illicit pleasure as she drove along the road to her property.  
She wasn't normally one to leave work early, but today her head had been  
too full of other things to do her job effectively. She was surprised  
at how much of her conversations with Ben she could remember, but Phil's  
presence seemed to have stirred up a lot of things she thought she had  
completely forgotten about. She wondered if she would have been so wound  
up had Phil not told her about Lindy. Cat stopped to collect her mail  
and then continued down her drive, thoughts of Ben and Phil and Lindy  
still playing in her mind.  
  
It was no surprise when Cat found Ben on her doorstep; she'd almost been  
expecting him. Her legendary sixth sense had nagged at her for days.  
He stood as she drove towards the house and Diefenbaker ran to greet  
her as the car ground to a halt. Cat stepped down from the vehicle and  
gave Dief a quick hug.  
"Hi ya, buddy."  
  
She looked up at her friend standing at the top of the stairs and smiled.  
He was still one of the best looking men she had ever set eyes on, followed  
closely by TJ, she thought with a smile. He stepped towards her and  
took her in a hug, breathing his greeting into her hair. She felt a  
tremble run through his large body.  
  
"You OK, Ben? I've been thinking about you all day." She tilted  
her face up to him.  
  
"I'm fine. I just needed to come home for a while."  
  
Cat let it go. He would tell her when he was ready. Her problem was  
whether or not this was the time to tell him about Phil. It would depend  
on the reason for his visit. She knew, for experience had taught her,  
that when the time was right an opportunity would present itself. With  
a smile she led him inside to be met by Sheila and Bella who, after a  
quick greeting to the humans, began to tease Diefenbaker.  
  
Cat hung her coat and deposited her car keys and mail on the hall table  
then followed Ben into the living room. Ben laughed as he watched the  
two felines gang up against Dief. He was glad to be home. Cat watched  
Ben's eyes crinkle as he laughed and couldn't help but be reminded of  
the similarity to the laughing eyes in the photo of Lindy that Phil had  
shown her less than a week ago.  
  
  
Ben leaned against the counter, sipping tea, while Cat rummaged in the  
fridge, digging out ingredients for their evening meal. So far they  
had only indulged in small talk, but Cat was in no hurry. She pressed  
him into service, peeling potatoes while she worked on other things and  
they worked in companionable silence for a while.  
  
Eventually Ben was the one to speak. "There's something I wanted  
to talk to you about, Cat."  
  
She turned and smiled warmly at him. "Isn't there always?"  
  
Ben pretended to look shocked, but it gave way to a sweet, wry smile  
as he continued working. "Well, I admit that I often come seeking  
your advice, but that's not the only reason...."  
  
Cat cut him off. "Don't look so indignant, Ben, I was joking.   
What's on your mind?"  
  
He took a deep breath. "Phil McKenzie."  
  
Cat was pleased she had her back to him, so that he couldn't see the  
surprise on her face. Of all the things she could have thought for Ben  
to be concerned about, this wasn't one of them. She was a little surprised  
by this, she was normally so perceptive where Ben was concerned.  
  
"Oh?" she asked, trying to keep her voice even.  
  
"You remember Phil?" They hadn't spoken of her in a long time.  
  
"Oh yes, I remember." Cat's mind raced. She wondered if Ben  
had seen Phil in Chicago. She turned to face him, resting back against  
the bench with her arms folded across her chest.  
  
"For some reason she's been on my mind a lot. I've been having  
....... dreams.........about her." He blushed slightly. "Very  
vivid dreams." Cat nodded and he continued, "A couple of times  
I thought I saw her. Once was at a Halloween party that Ray insisted  
I accompany him to and the other time was at the Field Museum."  
  
Cat swallowed hard at the mention of the museum. She knew TJ worked  
at the Field Museum, so it seemed likely that Ben wasn't imagining it.  
Plus, Phil had told her that she met a man at a Halloween party who reminded  
her of Ben and now she realised that it must have been the same party  
Ben was describing. "What do you think it means?" she asked  
eventually.  
  
"I don't know. I was hoping you might be able to help, you're good  
with things like this." Ben looked at her with soulful eyes. It's  
been a long time since I ended my engagement to Phil and it's been a  
year since the incident with Victoria. I have no particular reason  
to be thinking about her so much. The woman at the Halloween party I  
told you about? I was so sure it was Phil, she even had the same smile.  
But her hair smelled of lilacs, Phil always used lavender shampoo. It's  
funny what I remember about her."  
  
Cat sucked in a breath and turned back to her chopping, remembering a  
shopping trip where Phil had gotten all excited about finding a source  
for lavender shampoo. She thought for a while before speaking, wondering  
how she should advise her friend. What she said now could affect the  
rest of his life, but Cat knew it was important for her to steer him  
towards Phil.  
  
"Maybe it's time to tell this to Phil?"  
  
"It's too late, Cat, you told me that before. It's been nearly  
twelve years. What would I say to her? I don't even know where she is."  
Cat thought before a moment, she wasn't sure where to take the conversation.  
She seemed to be unusually lacking in the instinct department today.  
Suddenly, her sixth sense kicked in. "Remember that time in Aklavik?  
When you told me about Victoria?" Ben nodded, not bothering to  
ask why. Cat continued. "I know you remember a lot of what I said  
that night, but I don't know if you remember what you said ...... you  
said a lot of things in your sleep ......"  
  
"Oh?" Ben asked, curiosity peaked.  
  
"Yeah, mostly you were muttering about how sorry you were about  
hurting Phil and at one point you asked her to understand that Victoria  
needed your help. I don't remember exactly."  
  
Ben shuffled uncomfortably, not relishing the memories he was having.  
"But there were two things I remember verbatim, because both times  
you woke me up."  
  
Ben smiled faintly, his heart pounding at the thought of what his friend  
might say. "What were they?"  
  
"The first thing was 'I'll never love anyone the way I love you  
Phil'. Cat stopped and waited for a reaction, but Ben was suddenly busy  
inspecting his tea mug so she continued, "The other thing was much  
later in the night, you'd been tossing and turning a lot and I was getting  
annoyed. Then you called out in a voice that really scared me 'Phil,  
please help me, you're the only one who can save me'. Then you went  
back to sleep."  
  
Ben was silent, and Cat looked at him for a while. She could tell he  
was absorbing the things she had told him.  
  
"Is that still how you feel?"  
  
He looked away, ignoring the question, and spoke in a soft, low voice.  
"Do you remember the conversations we had when I was seeing Inspector  
Thatcher?"  
  
" **Seeing** her ....Margaret Thatcher, the Ice Maiden!"  
Cat looked at him, incredulously and shook her head. She didn't know  
Margaret Thatcher very well but their paths had crossed in Regina a few  
times. The tone of her voice conveyed her opinion of the woman.  
  
"She's not like you think, Cat." Ben's voice was reproachful.  
  
"No?" Cat looked at him, disbelief on her face.  
  
"Well, it's a moot point anyway. Nothing came of it."  
  
"I'm not surprised."  
  
He shot her another reproachful look. "She was there, Cat. It  
would have been so easy to fall in love with her. She's attractive,  
intelligent, she understands my work. It seemed like a good idea...but  
there was nothing there. I just didn't...couldn't...feel anything.   
I wanted so much to be able to fall in love. I wanted to stop reliving  
the mistakes I've made. But I didn't feel anything."  
  
She laid her hand lovingly on his arm. "As the song says Ben, 'lookin'  
for love in all the wrong places'."  
  
"I wouldn't have put it quite like that, but, yes, the sentiment  
is correct."  
  
Cat smiled, kissed his cheek and then retuned to her cooking, desperately  
wanting to tell him that what he had said in his sleep all those years  
ago was right. Phil is the only one.  
  
She was close to telling him about Phil entering her life, but before  
she could speak, Ben did.  
  
"A couple of days ago I did something I've never done before and  
I didn't like the way I felt. That's when I realised what I was feeling.  
I guess that's why I'm here. You're the only person I can talk to about  
this. I can't tell Ray."  
  
Cat joined Ben at the kitchen bench, sitting opposite him. His face was  
expressionless. She waited for him to continue.  
  
"I went to......a bar.... somewhere I'd been to once with Ray.   
I went there because they have an open fire and I was so cold, I just  
wanted to be somewhere warm."  
  
"It's the middle of summer, Ben."  
  
"Yes. But I was so cold. At first I thought I was sick. Then  
I thought it was just because my apartment was cold."  
  
"With no air-conditioning your apartment is like an oven."  
  
"I know, Cat, but for some reason it just seemed cold."  
  
"Well, it is a hovel. You don't have any heating or cooling at  
all."  
  
"Yes, yes I know, but I've lived in Tuktoyaktuk with almost no heating  
and I never felt that cold. It's the sort of cold that seeps into your  
bones. I never really noticed it until I went to Chicago. But even  
at the Consulate, where we have very efficient heating, I've felt colder  
than I ever did in Tuktoyaktuk, and when the air-conditioning is cranked  
up....." his voice trailed off. He bowed his head, sighed deeply  
and continued, "Sitting in that bar I realised it was because I  
was lonely. In the height of summer I was so cold because I was lonely."  
He stopped for a moment, swallowed, and then went on, "There was  
this woman..."  
  
Shocked by the implication of that simple statement, she leaned and squeezed  
his hand. "You don't have to tell me this, Ben."  
  
"No, I want to." He smiled at her, looking a little uncomfortable.  
"This woman at the bar caught me eye. I probably would have ignored  
her, except she reminded me of Phil. That's when it hit me how lonely  
I was. I needed to hold someone. I needed to hold Phil. So, we talked  
for a while and when she invited me to her apartment, I went with her."  
  
Cat's heart ached for her friend, she knew that he was not one to engage  
in casual relationships and this told her the depth of his sorrow and  
loneliness.  
  
"At her apartment I kissed her. Just for a moment when I held her  
in my arms I could almost believe I was holding Phil again. Then I smelled  
her hair, it smelled of some chemical. It was awful. And suddenly,  
I realised what I was about to do and I hated myself. I left immediately."  
  
"That's not so bad, Ben. I've done worse."  
  
Ben half smiled at Cat's self-deprecating humour. "When I left  
her apartment I caught a taxi, I wanted to get away from there as quickly  
as possible. The driver was from Australia and he was listening to a  
tape, some Australian music. I had heard one of the songs before and  
it made me feel so sad, it was as if it was about me. You might know  
it." He sat back and began to sing, "Winter in America is cold,  
and I just keep growing older. I wish I could have known enough of love  
to leave love enough alone."  
  
Cat loved to hear Ben sing. He had a lovely voice and she was reminded  
of all the happier times he had sung to her. For a brief moment, she  
recalled a time fifteen years earlier when he had appeared at her front  
door late one evening, wearing a look that could only be described as  
hungry. Later that same evening, lying naked in her bed he had sung  
to her. It was one of her most precious memories and she still thought  
of it every time she heard Bob Dylan.  
  
She brushed her thoughts away and smiled at him. "What are you  
doing listening to crap like that, Ben?"  
  
"But the words are so appropriate. If I had realised what I had  
with Phil I would never have left her for....I would never have left  
her. Now I'm all alone in Chicago, and I'm so cold and I guess what  
I said in my sleep all those years ago was right. Phil is the only  
thing that can warm me."  
  
Cat remembered Phil laughing in her kitchen, only a few days before,  
and knew that Ben was right. "I do know the song. What's the next  
verse?"  
  
"I waken to the sadness of the rain, making love to strangers...."  
Ben sang beautifully again.  
  
"Yes, that's the one. I'd never really thought about those words  
before."  
  
Cat's mind wandered off again, this time thinking of TJ and how he had  
suffered a similar experience. _So much like Ben_ , she thought  
to herself. Like TJ, Ben needed to learn to love again. In that instant  
she made a decision, now was definitely the time to tell Ben about Phil.  
She got to her feet. "Ben, get comfortable, there's something I  
need to tell you."  
  
Ben frowned at Cat, but by now he had learned not to question her. She  
had never let him down so far. Cat disappeared upstairs to her bedroom,  
returning a minute later with a wallet of photographs that she had snapped  
during Phil's stay. She intended to choose a shot of Phil and TJ to  
join the other photos on her wall.  
  
"I've made some tea," Ben said on her return.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"You know, I feel so much better just being here. Thank you - again."  
  
"I'm glad Ben, but you may change your mind after you hear what  
I have to say."  
  
He raised an eyebrow and Cat wondered, for about the millionth time since  
she'd known him, how one man could look so innocent and so sexy all at  
the same time. She took her seat at the kitchen bench and said. "You  
remember I told you about Marchand and me tracking Ross Landers up to  
Nelson Lake? He'd taken a hostage."  
  
Ben nodded and reached for a cookie to dunk into his tea. He couldn't  
see how this would affect him, but he knew Cat had a reason for telling  
him. "Wasn't he mauled by a bear?"  
  
"Yes. That gave his hostage a chance to get away. We had a difficult  
time finding her. She'd fallen into a mineshaft and was badly injured.  
She was in hospital for a while."  
  
A shudder ran through Ben's body and for a moment he felt the familiar  
cold he'd been describing to Cat earlier. Did this have something to  
do with Victoria? Had she been working with Ross Landers?  
  
"Nothing serious I hope?" he asked, sipping at his tea, trying  
to keep his voice calm.  
  
"She was lucky, just a broken ankle. Her brother was here for most  
of the time."  
  
Cat picked up and rummaged in the photo wallet as she spoke. When she  
found the picture she was looking for she handed it to Ben. "This  
is a picture of her."  
  
It was a photo of Phil with the kitten she had named Chance, taken in  
Cat's kitchen. Ben took it from her and Cat sat back to watch his face.  
  
He looked up at her, shock showing on his face, then back at the photo  
to check that his eyes weren't deceiving him.  
  
She saw a whole range of emotions cross his features; surprise, fear,  
pain, love. He stared at the photograph for a very long time, eventually  
looking up at her, open-mouthed.  
  
"Oh my......" he said in a barely audible voice.  
  
"Phil was taken hostage by Landers, but she got away when the bear  
attacked. She's a smart girl, Ben. Every bit as wonderful as you said  
she was."  
  
He still stared at the photo and Cat could see the tears in his eyes.  
  
"Oh......Cat.....I don't know what to say. Are there more?"  
  
Cat nodded and handed him the rest of the pack. She watched as he flipped  
through them eagerly, hungry for more information about Phil. There  
were several of Phil and Chance, a couple of Phil and TJ; a couple of  
Cat and Phil and lastly, one of Cat and TJ exchanging a look Ben was  
well familiar with.  
  
When he reached that one Ben turned it so Cat could see and looked at  
her with one raised eyebrow. She answered him with a raised eyebrow  
of her own. Ben looked through the photos twice more. It was a long  
time before he spoke.  
  
"This is.....very strange....to say the least." He opened  
his mouth and closed it again, not sure what he should say.  
  
"Yeah, some coincidence. I guess this is why you've been thinking  
about her so much. Maybe your subconscious knew."  
  
"Did she....ah....did she....ask about me?" What he really  
wanted to ask was 'does she still have feelings for me?'  
  
"Oh yeah, we talked about you a lot."  
  
"What did you tell her?" He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the  
answer.  
  
"The truth."  
  
Ben shot her a look, but remained silent. Cat could almost see the questions  
whirling around behind his eyes.  
  
"She's not involved with anyone, Ben. She never married."  
  
Ben sighed; this information filled him with a mixture of emotions.   
In one way he was relieved, but in another way it filled him with guilt.  
Was he responsible for her being alone all these years? A million questions  
whirled around his mind. "Did you tell her about....about Victoria?"  
  
"Yes. Phil wanted to know. I couldn't not tell her." Ben  
nodded his agreement. "She asked me if I had a picture of Victoria.  
She thought you'd married her." There was an edge of bitterness  
in Cat's voice that perhaps wouldn't have been picked up by someone who  
didn't know her as well as Ben, "So, I told her the whole, sordid  
tale."  
  
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and hung his head.  
Only Cat could have known the pain he was feeling at that moment.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ben. I know this hurts you." Cat leaned forward  
and rested her hands on his shoulders.  
  
"I didn't think it could hurt so much after all this time."  
  
Cat smiled. "Phil said the same thing."  
  
His shoulders started to shake and Cat slipped forward and pulled him  
into a hug. He rested his head on her shoulder and sobbed. She knew  
that the emotions tumbling from him had been stored for many, many years.  
Cat rubbed soothing circles on his back, thinking of all the times she  
had held Ben while he cried. Apart from the time they had comforted  
each other after his father's murder, every time he had hurt like this  
was somehow related to Victoria.  
  
She hoped, with all her heart, that if she could somehow steer Ben and  
Phil together, both of their lives would again be complete, the damage  
caused by Victoria would be healed. She knew, though, that there was  
still one hurdle to overcome. He would still have to deal with the heartbreak  
of losing a child he had never known.  
  
Much, much later Ben sat back and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry.  
I didn't mean for that to happen. I just...when I saw those pictures......"  
he smiled a little and wiped at his eyes, "I'm a little old for  
this, don't you think?"  
  
Cat smiled back at him. "Old enough to know who you are, wise enough  
to carry the scars without any blame," she quoted.  
  
"I don't know that, what is it?" Ben's face seemed more open  
and relaxed than she had seen in a long time.  
  
"A line from a song, some Australian band."  
  
He brightened, welcoming a distraction. "Ah, then if it's a song,  
you're supposed to sing it, like I did." He smiled broadly, enjoying  
teasing her. She ruffled his hair and got up, moving to the other side  
of the bench to continue with their meal.  
  
"You're not going to tell me where she is, are you?" Ben leaned  
his elbows on the bench and rested his chin in his hands. She stared  
at him for a moment, once again thinking of Lindy, and sadness filled  
her heart. There was so much she wasn't going to tell him.  
  
"I can't, Ben, Phil asked me not to tell you." A shadow passed  
over his face.  
  
"Does she hate me?"  
  
"No. No, she doesn't hate you. It's just the circumstances, and  
the way we met, it was all a bit of a shock for her. She wasn't prepared  
for it." Cat hesitated for a moment. "I can contact Phil and  
ask her if she's ready to talk to you."  
  
Ben backed away from the bench suddenly, as if he'd received an electric  
shock, his face shutting off again. "No. No. I don't think that's  
such a good idea. Not yet. I need to think about this some more."  
  
Cat smiled, remembering Phil had had exactly the same reaction. She  
was a little sad to see Ben retreat into his emotionless mode, just for  
a moment she had caught a glimpse of the warm man she had met all those  
years ago and she wondered if he would ever come back for good. She  
continued cooking while Ben paced a bit, eventually coming to her side  
of the kitchen, standing close by her as she worked.  
  
"Tell me about what happened when Phil was here. I know TJ was  
here. But what about Rob?" There was an eagerness to his voice  
that didn't surprise her.  
  
"They were both here at first, but Rob had to return to Chicago."  
She laughed. "That was funny, actually. It took me a while to figure  
out where I knew Rob's face from, then I realised he was your doctor  
last year when you were in hospital. I reminded him where we had met  
and he reminded me that I'd been squabbling with Ray like a schoolkid."  
She didn't tell him that Rob had asked her not to tell TJ and Phil that  
Ben was in Chicago.  
  
Ben laughed heartily. "Squabbling? Cat, you were at each other's  
throats. I thought I'd have to get out of bed and stand between you."  
  
"What are you talking about, you must have been delirious. I don't  
remember that at all." She smiled coyly.  
  
Ben chuckled again. "And TJ?"  
  
"Ah, TJ," Cat said, enigmatically.  
  
"Yes, TJ......." Ben prompted, teasing his friend again.  
  
"He's a great guy." Cat nudged him aside and reached into a  
cupboard over his head for two plates.  
  
Ben smiled; he knew when he wouldn't get anything out of her. "Did  
he tell you about Noelle?"  
  
"Yes, he did. He's carried that pain around for a long, long time."  
 _Like you Ben_ , she wanted to add, "He also told me you were  
a big support to him when she died."  
  
He looked down at his feet. "Yes. We were close then. I liked  
TJ very much." He was sad for his lost friendship.  
  
"He was fond of you too, he said so."  
  
Ben didn't answer at first; he was busy inspecting a spot on the wall  
opposite. "I suppose he doesn't have a very high opinion of me  
now?" The haunted sound was back in his voice.  
  
"I think you'd find TJ is more forgiving than you imagine. He's  
been through a painful time too. Anyway, you can't blame him for being  
protective of his sister." _Especially when she was carrying your  
child_, she added silently. She pressed a plate of food into his  
hands and pointed towards the dinner table.  
  
Over dinner Cat told Ben the story of how she and Phil had met, about  
their night together on the mountainside, about Phil's stay in hospital  
and then finally about Phil's time in her home.  
  
Ben devoured the information eagerly and Cat knew he was storing it all  
away for replay later, when he was alone. He asked questions and Cat  
was thorough in the details she gave him, save for the things she had  
promised Phil she would not reveal.  
  
By the time they had eaten and cleaned up, Ben was rosy cheeked and excited  
by all he had learned. This pleased Cat a great deal, she hadn't seen  
him like this in many, many years. If just the knowledge that Phil was  
not unattainable did this to him, how much more joy could the real live,  
flesh and blood woman bring to his life?  
  
Later, with cups of chamomile tea in hand, Cat and Ben strolled out on  
to the back verandah to take in the last of the summer evening. With  
a dreamy sigh Ben leaned against the railing and took in the view across  
Cat's property. He watched as Diefenbaker trotted off into the darkness  
to scratch around in the remains of the vegetable garden. The peak growing  
season was at its end, but he'd see what he could find anyway. Sheila  
twined around his ankles and he picked her up, scratching her head as  
he heaved her onto his shoulder.  
  
Cat watched the scene with pleasure, noticing that Ben's mind wasn't  
really present, but she wasn't worried, she knew where it was. She sat  
down in an old wicker chair and was quickly joined by Bella.  
  
Ben's voice came to her out of the shadows. "What about TJ?"  
  
"What **about** TJ?"  
  
"I want it to happen for you." Ben's voice was soft as it drifted  
to her through the darkness.  
  
"What?" She was being deliberately obtuse.  
  
"Love," he said with some longing.  
  
"Ah, love." Cat smiled up at the night sky. "Lila wo waste  
laka."  
  
Cat's eyes were becoming accustomed to the darkness and she could see  
Ben had set Sheila down and turned to face her.  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"Love is good. I think it's Navajo."  
  
"Where do you get these quotes you keep coming out with?" His  
voice held a trace of laughter.  
  
"TJ told me that one."  
  
"Ah, back to TJ. You know you've just mentioned TJ and love in  
the same conversation......?" He stepped out of the shadows and  
settled into a chair opposite Cat.  
  
'So, Ben, what's your point?" She grinned and nudged him with her  
bare feet.  
  
"I'm serious Cat, when will it happen for you?" His smile was  
gone and he leaned forward and touched her hand.  
  
"Oh, Ben, I fall in love every day. Only this morning when I stopped  
for gas, this hunk strolled out of the workshop and offered to check  
my oil. I fell in love on the spot."  
  
Ben sat back, laughing heartily. "He offered to check **your**  
oil? I bet you told him..."  
  
"No. I smiled and let him check my oil. That way I got a much  
better look at his butt."  
  
He laughed again, then his voice became serious. "I do love you,  
Cat, you know that. I just want you to be happy."  
  
"I know. I love you too."  
  
They both fell silent. There was nothing more to be said.  
  
A little while later Cat yawned and stood up. "I'm exhausted, I  
think I'll go to bed. You coming?"  
  
Ben smiled up at her. "No. I think I'll go for a walk. I'll be  
up later."  
  
Cat smiled and kissed his forehead and made her way upstairs. On her  
way through the living room, she made sure the wallet of photos were  
still on the table where Ben had left them. She knew him well enough  
to know that he would want to look at them again before he went to sleep.  
  
Ben watched Cat as she went, smiling indulgently at his friend. He turned  
to look for Diefenbaker, all set to take him for a walk, but the wolf  
brushed past him and trotted up the stairs after Cat, followed closely  
by Sheila and Bella.  
  
Ben raised an eyebrow at the wolf as he went, calling out, "Goodnight,  
Dief," in a sarcastic tone, but of course Diefenbaker couldn't hear.  
He shrugged and walked down the back steps into the garden.  
  
Without a companion there was not so much impetus for Ben to walk, so  
he only went as far as the garden beds, casting his eyes casually over  
the selection of things planted there. He was partly disappointed not  
to find any columbines, though he hadn't really expected to, Cat was  
more interested in growing vegetables. Maybe he should plant some.  
He thought of Phil again and how she and Cat had come to meet. He was  
struck by a moment of fear, Phil could have died in that mineshaft and  
the very thought filled him with terror. He turned around and rushed  
back into the house, keen to find the photographs and reassure himself  
that Phil was safe.  
  
Ben's hand trembled as he held Phil's picture. He traced his fingers  
over her lips, remembering the warmth he had felt when she smiled at  
him with her crooked smile. He carried the picture with him to the  
stairs, looking for the older picture of Phil with the Rocky Mountain  
Rescue Crew. He took the picture from the wall and wiped the dust on  
his jeans. He couldn't make out Phil's features in the picture, but  
he remembered the look on her face as he remembered everything about  
the day the photo was taken. A wave of sadness washed over him, it was  
the sadness that never seemed to leave him anymore.  
  
As if driven by some force, Ben walked up the stairs and came to a stop  
outside Cat's generous guestroom. He knew Phil had slept there only  
recently and it was the closest he could get to her now. Pushing the  
door open, he stepped into the room and walked to the bed without turning  
on the light.  
  
A faint whiff of lavender came to him and he looked for the source.   
He found it, lit the by moonlight streaming in the window. A small glass  
vase on the chest by the bed held a bunch of lavender, probably cut from  
the bush in Cat's garden. Ben smiled to himself, he had planted the  
lavender bush himself, many years ago, when he first knew Phil. Lacking  
a garden of his own, the only place he could plant things was in Cat's  
garden and there were areas on the property that she left entirely to  
him. He wondered if Cat remembered that he had planted the bush because  
lavender reminded him of Phil.  
  
He cast his eyes around the rest of the room and wondered what Phil thought  
about while she lay on this bed. He sat down on the edge and ran his  
hands over the covers, as if her body had left some warmth that he could  
feel. Leaning forward he picked up the pillow and pressed it to his  
face. Could he smell lavender shampoo, or did he want it so badly that  
he was imagining it?  
  
"That won't do you any good, Son."  
  
The voice of Bob Fraser came out of the darkness. Startled, Ben let  
the pillow fall on to his lap.  
  
"Hello, Dad, you startled me."  
  
"That's what ghosts are supposed to do. Or at least I think we  
are. Don't know really, they don't give you very good instructions about  
these things."  
  
Ben stared at his father, bewildered.  
  
"Sorry, Son, you need advice don't you? You don't want to hear  
me talk about being dead."  
  
"I don't need advice."  
  
"Yes, you do. I wouldn't be here otherwise."  
  
Ben looked down at his lap and shifted the pillow aside. He still held  
Phil's picture in one hand.  
  
"Cat really threw you a curve ball, didn't she?" Bob Fraser  
indicated the picture as he settled on the bed next to his son.  
  
"Curve ball? Have you been eavesdropping on Ray again, Dad?"  
Ben smiled at the apparition.  
  
"His father actually, but that's not important." Bob waved  
his hand impatiently. "Answer the question."  
  
Ben sighed and looked back at the picture. "I wasn't expecting  
Cat to tell me that she had met Phil. I was caught off-guard."  
  
"I'll say. Now what are you going to do about it?"  
  
"Do about it? Nothing."  
  
"Nothing? You should have married Phil when you had the chance,  
that would have made me happy. You've got a second chance now, don't  
let it pass you by."  
  
"Second chance? What second chance? Cat won't tell me where she  
is."  
  
"And rightly so. Phil told her not to. She'll never break someone's  
trust. Cat's a good woman. I'm sorry you didn't marry her, too."  
  
Ben jerked his head up and laughed. "Marry Cat? There was a time  
when I would have." He stopped, took a breath and then continued,  
"But anyway Dad, you know her better than that. Cat will never  
marry anyone."  
  
"You might be surprised."  
  
"You mean she hasn't found the right man yet?"  
  
"That's right, but Lord knows, she's tried enough of them out. Maybe  
you should have a word to her about that......."  
  
"Dad!"  
  
"You're right, Son, that's not what I'm here for."  
  
"Just what are you here for?"  
  
"Well, I thought you could use some advice."  
  
"Advice?"  
  
"Yes and stop repeating everything I say. I want to tell you a story  
about your mother and me."  
  
Ben started to speak, but thought better of it.  
  
"I loved your mother, you know, Benton."  
  
Bob got up and walked to the window, sounding dreamy and far away. "Best  
wife and mother you could hope to find. There was this one time, when  
you were very young......"  
  
Ben knew this was going to be a long story, so he lay back on the bed  
with Phil's pillow cradling his head and her picture resting on his chest.  
Bob went on,  
  
"There was a cold snap, colder than I've ever felt. The snow fell  
for days....."  
  
Ben was instantly reminded of his time on the mountain with Victoria  
and he buried his face in the pillow, searching for a hint of lavender,  
for a hint of Phil, to warm him. Bob's soothing voice washed over him.  
"Coldest winter in almost fourteen years......"  
  
Ben stopped listening and drifted off into a peaceful sleep while his  
father talked. Bob turned to regard his sleeping son and smiled.  
  
"I'm surprised you want to remember that winter, Robert."  
  
Bob turned to see the image of his wife, Caroline, standing by the window.  
  
"Hello, Dearest." He smiled at her.  
  
"Do you remember what you sang to me, Robert?"  
  
"How could I forget, Dear Lady." He cleared his throat and  
began to sing in a low, dreamy voice, "Oh Rose Marie, I love you.  
I'm always thinking of you...."  
  
Caroline chuckled and moved to his side, embracing him. Together they  
looked at their son.  
  
"Leave him now, Robert. He is safe."  
  
Bob smiled at Caroline as she bent to kiss her son's forehead. "Sleep  
well, my son, and dream of warmth," she whispered into his ear,  
before taking Bob's hand and fading away.  
  
  
A wet nose nudging her face woke Cat and she opened her eyes to find  
herself staring into a pair of glowing lupine eyes. Diefenbaker's muzzle  
rested on her pillow and he whined when he saw she was awake.  
  
"OK, Dief, I'll get up." She turned to nudge Ben, and was not  
surprised to find he was not in her bed.  
  
She swung her legs over the edge and sat up. Dief was jumping around  
excitedly and she figured he needed to go outside. She got to her feet  
and pulled on a pair of track pants. Dief was already out the door.  
She followed and headed downstairs to let him out, but a short, gruff  
half bark called her back. Dief was standing in the doorway to the guestroom  
and a grin spread across her face.  
  
"Ah, Diefenbaker. That's where he is. I should have known,"  
she said, as much to herself as to the wolf.  
  
Cat pushed the bedroom door open slowly and found Ben face down on the  
bed, still fully clothed. His face was buried in the pillow and the  
photograph of Phil lay on the floor next to the bed. The shaft of brilliant  
sunlight streaming through the window was showering Ben with its golden  
glow and it made the scene seem almost hallowed. She smiled broadly  
and went downstairs to make a pot of tea, noticing on her way that the  
dust had been wiped off the photo of Ben and the Rocky Mountain Rescue  
Crew.  
  
Ben came awake slowly. The remnants of what had been a wonderful dream  
were still tugging at him and it was with some reluctance he finally  
opened his eyes. He couldn't quite remember what he had been dreaming  
about, but he could recall Phil's laughter coming to him across a river,  
a canyon of some sort. The warmth of the sun on his face eventually  
enticed him into the new day and he was sitting up, running his fingers  
through his hair as Cat came through the doorway bearing a tea tray.  
  
She smiled warmly at him. "Morning, Ben. How are you feeling?"  
  
He stretched luxuriously and turned to her with a wide, heartfelt smile  
on his face. "Warmer than I have in many years," he answered  
honestly as he accepted a cup of tea from his friend. Cat smiled back  
at him and knew it to be true.  
  
  
All comments welcome at mullum@tig.com.au  
  
 ****Nothing Lasts Forever (Book 2 of the Ben and Phil Saga)  
  
1.Nothing Lasts Forever  
2.Of Second Chances by Carol Trendall  
3.Winter in America is Cold by Carol Trendall  
4.Lavender Memories  
5.Distractions by Carol Trendall  
6.No Aphrodisiac by Carol Trendall  
7.Life's Insanity by Carol Trendall  
8.Standing on the Edge by Carol Trendall  
9.Of Past Regret and Future Fear by Carol Trendall  
10.A Summoning of Things Past  
11.Three Parts Dead  
12.A Job Well Done  
13.Touchstones of Character  
14.But For the Night  
15.Tangled Webs  
16.Suspicions  
17.Chasms of the Mind (with Carol Trendall)  
18.Outskirts by Carol Trendall  
  



End file.
